Chuck Norris

[o4250]

The Rules of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK a$$assination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN
THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't @!%* with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have
seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck always wins unless he lets the Devil win.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer
only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show,
however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise Men, jealous of
Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Of course he can't shoot out of his finger. The German died of fright.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and [censored] on their floor,
just because he's Chuck Norris.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to
limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in
every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the [censored] out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the [censored] out of little kids.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning?
It was more "humane".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says,
"I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke
her neck with a roundhouse.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

Whoever told you there are special effects in the Matrix is lying. For the 360 degree scenes, they just attached a camera to Chuck Norris's left foot.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let
him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

When cops pull Chuck Norris over, he writes THEM a ticket. And they never take it to court.








And for all you people who pick fights over the internet, im NOT talking about atvflorida chuck.

[Chuck_Norris]

I was wondering where you were going with this.

[Thrasher]

I was wondering where you were going with this.

I don't think he means you....but rather the 'real' Chuck Norris

[Da_Mtg_Man]

I was wondering where you were going with this.

I don't think he means you....but rather the 'real' Chuck Norris

WHAT? You mean that our Chuck isn't the real one? I'm devistated. 

[o4250]

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

Mr T's chains are not made of gold, they are actually made of curium, one of the heaviest elements in existence. They were put there by the CIA to slow him down, and you're lucky they do, fool.

When Mr. T folds his arms, the you.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.
Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

5 out of 5 doctors recommend not pissing off Mr. T.

Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.

Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.

Mr. T's Mohawk is not held up by hair gel, his hair is just scared of him and is trying to get as far away as possible.

Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a why. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

Mr. T does not actually pity fools. He is just being sarcastic. No one has noticed because it is difficult to pick up such subtleties while being bludgeoned.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

When Mr. T was circumsized his foreskin was not disposed of. Instead it was raised as a normal child, and it grew to love the game of basketball. Today we know Mr. T's foreskin as Shaquille O'Neal.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T once walked through the valley of the shadow of death. He pitied said valley. It is now an Arby's which is where life comes from.

Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.

Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.

Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in the world.

Mr. T once ate four 72 oz. steaks in 12 minutes. He spent the first 5 minutes laughing at the fact it takes Chuck Norris fifteen minutes to eat three.

When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.

Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was Mr. T, and it was a warning.
On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay the smurf down. Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts.
_________________

[Ida_Mann]

OK now the Mr. T thing has me rolling so hard that it has taken me 5 minutes to type a response.

Id@ L@ughing