FUNNY JOKES !!!!

[Asphaltdragon]

How do you explain this to the insurance company....  

Holy friggin' crap dude.... that's no joke! Except for when his wife had to clean his drawers

[BlackBeast]

Q: Why do women have trouble peeing after sex?  

A: Ever try to pull apart a grilled-cheese sandwich?  

[love_to_roost]

What do you call a guy with his hand up a horses butt?
An Amish Mechanic

[love_to_roost]

What do you do when an epileptic has a fit in the tub?Throw
in youre laundry.

What do the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?We do
tast like chicken.

[kawGIRL]

 

[kawGIRL]

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking her/his sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell
loudly "There's no toilet paper in here!"

[Michelle]

OMG THAT WAS FUNNYYYYYYYYYY

[acraw13]

What's the difference between a fagget and a freezer???

A freezer doesn't fart when you take the meat out!!!


A blonde woman walks into a gas station and asks the guy behind the counter if he has a clothes hanger because she locked her keys in her car. The man givers her one and continues to wait on other customers. About ten  minutes later he looks out the window and sees the blonde woman still struggling to unlock the door so he decides to go out and assist her. As he approaches the car he asks if he can help to which she replies, no thanks I almost got it. The other blonde woman inside the car replies, yeah, she just needs to go a little more to the left!!!

[Michelle]

A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your thingy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said,You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE.

[sinister450]

BUMPSTUMPER That was hilarious!!!

[kawGIRL]

Should have spent more time learning correct english...LOL

[Michelle]

Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette.

Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?"

So she replies: "I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom"

So her friend asks: "What’s a condom? Where did you get it?"

So she says: "At the pharmacy"

So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom. The clerk asks: "What size?"

So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel"

[kawGIRL]

Click here "Meow"

[Big_Dave]

Good one !!!

[o4250]

can you say 55   http://www.ebaumsworld.com/schfiftyfive.html

[kawGIRL]

Click here:  Dueling Banjos

[robo02cop]

Kawgirl.....That meow one was freaking halarious.....I almost peed my pants!  I have a stomach ache now from laughing so hard!!!

[Magnum330]

Aa rednecks way to go

[Magnum330]

A bad day for rednecks

[Bigwilly]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's  drinking, the monkey starts jumping all around the place.
>
>
>The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,
somehow swallows it whole.
>
>
>The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?
" The guy says "No, what?".
>
>
>"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table....whole!"
>
>
>"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in
>
>sight, the little bastard.   Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
>
>He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves.
>
>Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While
the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the
bar.
>
>
>He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the
monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and
eats it.  The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now?", he asks.   "No, what?" replies the guy.
>
>"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them
out,  and ate them!",  said the bartender.
>
>
>"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he
measures everything first."

[NYRAPTOR]

what do you call a deer with no eyes?


no idea.

[Magnum330]

What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes
A still no ideer.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the leaf pile?
Russell

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the ocean?
Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on the wall? Art

[cain73]

Quasi motto, Cinderella, and Tom Thumb are going to see the Wizard of Oz to confirm their special places in the world. Cinderalla the most beautiful, Tom the smallest and Quasi motto the ugliest (which he is oddly proud of).
Cinderella goes in and comes right back out and says proudly that he confirmed that she is the most beautiful in the world.
Tom goes in and comes right back out and proudly announces that he is indeed the smallest man in the world.
Quasi motto goes in. several minutes later tom and cinderella look at each other concerned wondering what could possibly be taking so long.
after about another half an hour Quasi motto comes out scratching his head and asks  Who the hell is Janet Reno ?

[cain73]

What do you get when you have 50 government workers and 50 lesbians in the same room?

100 people that don't do d&ck.

[cain73]

last one and most risque      
3 gay guys are at a creamatorium to pick up the ashes of their deceased lovers. Although they had never met before the started talking about what they planned to do with their lover's ashes.
The first guy says that his boyfriend loved to fish so they are going out on his boat with a few friends to say some kind words before pouring in the ashes.
the second guy says that his boyfriend loved to fly so he has rented a plane so that after a small party he will fly up and release the ashes into the clouds.
the third guy is impressed by the other two and having had no such plans quickly comes up with something to do with his deceased lover's ashes.
he tells the other two that my boyfriend was such a good lover that I'm going to take his ashes home and put them in some hot chilli.
The stunned two ask why so he tells them
so he can tear my a$$ up one more time.