The great Rodney Dangerfield

This is why I miss Rodney Dangerfield

> My wife only has sex with me for only one purpose.
> Last night she used me to time an egg.
>
> It's tough to stay married My wife kisses the dog
> on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
>
> Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was
> wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she
> was coming home.
>
> A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's
> nobody home." I Went over. Nobody was home!
>
> A hooker once told me she had a headache.
>
> I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
>
> If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at
> all.
>
> I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
> I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the
> morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
>
> I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a
> two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head
> in case the bag over her head comes off.
>
> I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure
> sex offenders.
>
> My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss
> in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
>
> I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got
> arrested for mooning.
>
> My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for
> Alka-Seltzer.
>
> I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can
> hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
>
> My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after
> the meal.
>
> My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex - she
> called me from Chicago last night.
>
> My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a
> boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.