Evolution of Liberals and Conservatives

[Anoriginal]

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood.  Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented.  This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups:

Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture.  Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer.  This was the beginning of the conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing.  This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided.  Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them.

Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth.  Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle.  They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.  Sushi, tofu, and french food are on liberal menus.  Their women have more testosterone than the men.  Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too.  Their first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are Liberals.  Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer.  They eat red meat, and still provide for their women.  Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government.  Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything.  They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production.  Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.  That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.

Liberals do not give to charity.  They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice.  They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from conservatives.

Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad.  They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals.  They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.

Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense.  They disarm conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with guns.  King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and attempted to tax and govern conservatives.  Liberals believe in BIG government.  They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer.

Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been charged by liberals.  When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our country.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative.  A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch.  He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbiotch ain't been born yet".

So, what'll it be?  Beer or Wine?  Domestic or Imported?

[Bigscrb15]

I love it!!!! Good stuff there anoriginal.

[550superquad]

haven't seen it explained better  lmao

[SomBch]

I as a registered Rep,I see things a bit different. See ,there are many forms of conservatism, for example : Cultural Conservatism is the idea of preserving a heritage of a nation or culture.  Religous Conservatism is the idea of preserving the teachings of a particular religion. Fiscal Conservatism is a prudent economic policy

Considering all the above , I cant consider myself a religous conservative without being a hypocrit(considering my beer swizzling and over all wild behavior) and I can say that the current fiscal policies are less than conservative so I guess Im a cultural conervative. I just like America the way it was!
As a far wiser man than Reagan once said

"To put conservatism in a bottle with a label is like trying to liquefy the atmosphere … The difficulty arises from the nature of the thing. For conservatism is less a political doctrine than a habit of mind, a mode of feeling, a way of living."[3]

 
                                                              Scholar R.J. White

American naval hero Stephen Decatur, Jr. who said, "Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations may she always be in the right; but right or wrong, our country!"

Another wiser man than Reagan said:
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!"
                                                Ben Franklin

and I believe man law  states : No fruit in beer!!!!!

if you have to put something in your beer to make it taste better, your drinking the wrong beer!!!!!

[SkyHighT100]

Considering all the above , I cant consider myself a religous conservative without being a hypocrit(considering my beer swizzling and over all wild behavior) and I can say that the current fiscal policies are less than conservative so I guess Im a cultural conervative. I just like America the way it was!
As a far wiser man than Reagan once said

"To put conservatism in a bottle with a label is like trying to liquefy the atmosphere … The difficulty arises from the nature of the thing. For conservatism is less a political doctrine than a habit of mind, a mode of feeling, a way of living."[3]

 
                                                              Scholar R.J. White

American naval hero Stephen Decatur, Jr. who said, "Our country! In her intercourse with foreign nations may she always be in the right; but right or wrong, our country!"

Another wiser man than Reagan said:
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!"
                                                Ben Franklin

and I believe man law  states : No fruit in beer!!!!!

if you have to put something in your beer to make it taste better, your drinking the wrong beer!!!!!

 

[budman]

Nice.... and I like the Benjamin Franklin quote thrown in. A true American Hero, the greatest political figure of his time. I hold him in the highest regard because of his legacy of drinking, (how else do you explain a dude in a lightning storm, flying a kite), carousing with women, inventor, and a printer. (like me).