I "borrowed" this from another site, but it is funny, and true...
THINGS YOU OUGHT TO KNOW
In the process of getting old and crusty, I have accumulated a small
amount of riding skill and a large amount of knowledge. And, oddly, as the
accumulated riding skills diminish because of eroding reflexes and lack
of training, the savvy part increases. Therefore, I owe it to the world at
large to pass on some of this know-how. In no particular order, here are some
Things You Ought To Know:
HOW TO FIND DEAD CENTER UNDER YOUR TRUCK OR VAN.
Easy. Just drop a
socket while working in the engine compartment and it will come to rest
exactly in the middle of the vehicle. I have done this enough times to guarantee
accuracy to within three millimeters on a European or Japanese rig, and
to within a quarter inch under any American-made vehicle.
HOW TO GUARANTEE YOU WILL NOT BREAK A PART ON YOUR BIKE.
This is
cumbersome, but it does work. Simply carry any extra part with you in your
transporter that you suspect might fail. Naturally, if you have a spare handy while
you're out riding or racing, it will absolutely not break. But be
warned! Any part that you do not bring with you, probably will break. Weird
things... like spoke nipples or kickstarters.
THE MORE PEOPLE YOU TAKE WITH YOU ON A TRAIL RIDE, THE WORSE TIME YOU
WILL HAVE.
The ideal number of people is two. If you take a third, and he's
a rider you don't know anything about (like a friend from work), chances
are he'll get lost a half dozen times and his bike will break down at least
twice... and you'll have to fix it. If you go riding with a bunch of new
people, you'll spend half the day looking for lost geeks, at least an
hour patching up minor cuts and wounds and the rest of the time trying to
start dead bikes.
THE BEST TIME TO BREAK IN A NEW SET OF BOOTS.
Is never. You simply
cannot find a good time to un-stiffen that new footwear. You'll just have to
go through the misery of missing shifts and walking around the pits like
penguin on drugs until they loosen up properly. One side note: Once a
set of boots gets feeling just right, it's only a matter of hours before they
start to deteriorate badly enough to think about getting a new pair.
HOW TO WAIT FOR SOMEONE WHO IS LATE TO GO RIDING. Don't. If two of you
show up and the third guy is not there within ten minutes of the agreed
time, take off without him. Oh sure, he'll have some kind of great excuse
(they always do) and he'll be upset, but all you have to do is think about
the time you waited two hours because some jerk just slept in and wasted
half of your riding day.
CARE AND FEEDING OF A LOADING RAMP.
I have found out that the ordinary
loading ramp is only slightly less dangerous than a starving pack of
wolverines. Always handle it with gloves on, or better yet, let someone
else handle it. A ramp will cut you, slide off tail gates, slip up and smack
you in the head, bend in the middle without warning and gouge you in the
knee at the drop of helmet. It will also reach temperatures of nearly 200
degrees while sitting in the sun on a 90 degree day, and more than likely, you
will either pick it up with a bare hand, or sit on it while changing into
your riding gear.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR NEW HELMET FLAWLESS.
Don't ever take it out of the
box. The way it works is this: the nicer your helmet, the fancier the paint job,
the more money it cost you, the more likely you are to scratch and gouge
the helmet the first time you use it. Example: I got a new Bell a short
while ago and took great care not to scratch it up while riding. Then, on the
way home, I had to hit the brakes hard and a large toolbox slid forward and
rammed the helmet under a footpeg. Next time I get a new helmet, I
think I'll just gouge it with a screwdriver as soon as I take it out of the
box, just to play it safe.
BUY A LONG BED TRUCK.
Don't ever get a short bed truck, whether it's a
mini or a big American rig. Spending life with the tail gate perpetually
down when you're carrying bikes and gear is miserable. Trudging backwards on
a freeway to retrieve your gear bag is not the best way to start a day of
riding. I've got a Ford pickup that's long enough to put three bikes, a
loading ramp, tools, gas cans and gear bags, and still be able to slam
the tail gate home.
BUY SOME REAL RACING GAS AND KEEP IT AROUND.
I don't ride as much as I
used to, and when a bike sits for a month or so, the fuel in the tank or the
gas can gets funky. I have a small drum of F & L Racing fuel (108 octane)
sitting around, and by simply adding a gallon of the good stuff to the
old fuel, it works better than fresh pump gas. It will make your dirt bike
happy, especially if you ride an older bike. They were built to use
good gas, which is almost impossible to get today.
DON'T LEND ANY TOOLS OR RIDING GEAR TO ANYBODY. Lending this stuff is
simply a method of giving it away. When's the last time your can of chain lube
came back to you feeling nice and full after you lent it out? I rest my
case.
DISAPPEARING THINGS.
The following items will invariably disappear, no
matter what you do: Tie-downs, duct tape, your favorite special tools,
your last decent goggle lens, one motocross sock, the only kidney belt with
decent velcro on it, your favorite gloves, the clipping in the cycle
paper that had your name in the results showing you winning your class, the
latest issue of Old Bike Journal that a buddy wanted to look at, and that
twenty dollar bill you had folded up under your drivers license for that
emergency tank of gas in the middle of nowhere.
DON'T LEND ANY TOOLS OR RIDING GEAR TO ANYBODY. The dried-up granola in
the bottom of your gear bag, the rounded-off ten millimeter wrench in your
tool box that doesn't work any more, the tube of silicone seal that's hard
as a rock, the tire gauge that works erratically, the brake lever from a
bike you owned five years ago, a flier from a race that happened three years in
the past, a can of chain lube with a missing tip (one that no other tip in
the world fits), half a dozen dirty spark plugs that you'll never use, a
pair of shorts that you plan to wash someday (but never get around to taking
out of your gear bag), a riding jersey that's too small to wear anymore, and a
pair of goggles with a sagged-out strap.
HOW TO KEEP BUGS OUT OF YOUR COLD DRINKS.
Open a soda, take a couple of
sips and set the can down; within five minutes, a bee or some other
obnoxious insect will find its way inside the can. You'll discover it as you try
to swill down the last bit, and you'll gag and cough and spit soda through
your nose. The only way to avoid this is to drink all the soda immediately,
or to not open the can, or drink it inside your truck or van.
THE BEST TIME TO GO TRAIL RIDING.
The single best time to go riding is
the day after it's just rained, and you sneak a day off work. You'll love
it, unless you're a Catholic, then you'll feel quilty about it. Sort of.
THERE ARE TWO TIMES IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU'LL ENJOY RIDING A DIRT BIKE/ATV
THE MOST.
The first time, obviously, is when you first get bitten by the
bug. You live and breathe riding, read every scrap of paper you can get your
hands on about the sport, learn huge amounts of new skills and try to
convince everyone else in the world how neat your new sport is.
The next time is after you've been in the sport for a long time. Then,
you can look back at what you've learned, dismiss all the bull, and ride
when you feel like it. In between these two important phases of your life, you'll make
frenzied runs for trophies, train like a madman, have some intense times, get
older... and hopefully, wiser. Your values will change with time... and you'll more than likely look
back at the "old days" with a certain wistful fondness. As all this happens,
you'll be accumulating a fantastic backlog of great memories. If you're
young, or just starting out in this sport, you cannot possibly know all
this. Unless, that is, you just read this column. Now you know most of
the things you ought to know.
