Subject: rules of the south
 
  1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an  idiot.

  2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

  3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup
  truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get
  dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

  4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to
  us. Get over it. Don't like it? I- 40 goes east  and west, I-55 goes north and south. Pick one.

  5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton pickers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

  6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

  7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL  shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

  8. Yeah, we eat catfish &; crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar?
It's available at the corner bait shop.

  9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious  holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

  10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of  age.

  11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

  12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
  vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and
ketchup!   Oh,  yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call
that stuff you  eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

  13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served
  over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

  14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

  15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

  16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.

  17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't  mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

  18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music,  anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers!  Refer back to #1!

My Pet Fish

  A redneck (WV) was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice
chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing
   The game warden asked the man...
   "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
   "No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there
   licenses, these here are my pet fish."

   "Pet fish?"

   "Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em
   swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into
   these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

   "That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."

   The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the
   truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."

   "OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

   The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After
   several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

   Well, what?," says the redneck.
   The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

   "Call who back?"

   The FISH," replied the warden.

   "What fish?" replied the redneck.

   Moral of this story:  We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but
   we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

 

Merrrcy Perrrcy!

The Gators Were Awesome!

i guess we need to think of something else interesting. no one seems to care much bout college football either. just a few Gator fans and one razor back. hmmm.....

Go God!

Go Gators!

I am a Capital Project (construction) accountant for Palm Beach County going on 18 yrs. now).

Does anyone know the protocol for ordering the pay per view of this game?  I have Direct TV in Palm Beach County.

Anyone know about ordering the Gators vs Troy on Pay Per View.  I have Direct TV in Lake Worth and want to watch the game at home.  Do you have to have a phone line hooked to your receiver box?

Anyone?  Help?  Urgent!

 A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
 stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
 quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
 
 The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
 to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
 
 "Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
 
 "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
 you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same
 stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
 and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
 
 The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
 
 To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear
 power  when you don't know sh*t?"

How To Medicate Your Cat

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while docto r stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.






 

Looks like Rico's left the closet!

Seriously, I still wear my hair that way.

Sounds like an excuse for a bunch of guys to get together and drink without there wives there to nag them.  I do the same thing, but call it hunting!  They are similar to the extent that occasionally I kill an animal, and the Masons occasionally sacrifice one!   j/k

Insert nut sack here!

Plant Bamboo (Underhills) to the north, Holeylands to the south.

Several species of small furry animals gathered together in a cave, groovin on a pict!

Can I get that in a pick-em-up truck?

Because your schmart!  My mom's calling, I'll put her on the speaker!

ooh he's so hot.  he has those lips that are made for sucking equipment that i don't have though.  so i'll take a pass on him.  although he does look like he could be related to rico suave.

He's obviously gay. I saw the picture and my gaydar pegged on 11, and it only goes up to 10.

That must be uncomfortable!

Show your son how a man handles things; Beat the crap out of them!

Give up the dope?

I used to dive out of a 40 ft pine tree at an I-295 borrow pit for years.  One weekend the whole place was fenced off by the U.S. Govt.  Seems a sailor stationed at NAS Jax was killed diving out of that same tree, he hit a an underwater fallen tree.  I crawled under the fence, and sure enough there was a tree under the water a foot and a half away from the spot I was landing all those years (there was zero water visibility).  Crazy!!!!!!!!

Ah!  Florida!!!

What is the per person "map donation" to get in cost now?

Sportsman's Double

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay
for a 59-year-old.

We drank a bit, and started to get friendly and she asked if
I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome, " she said.  I said, "No."
(and the mental images started to flow)

She downed her drink, then she said "Well, tonight's your lucky
night!"

We went back to her place.  She put on the hall light and shouted
upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

In a heartbeat!

Thats what I want to do when they call me during dinner!