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2
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General / Open Discussion / Re: Married Too Long
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on: September 07, 2013, 06:18:56 PM
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CRDork must be or is related to bigdaddy
Nope the dumb f**k is not related to me. The only thing that comes close to this low life dripsh!t is when I ate some bad Mexican Food and gave me the runs.
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6
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General / Open Discussion / Barack Obama met with the Queen of England
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on: November 25, 2011, 05:28:59 PM
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Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there... any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please ... Seymour, send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony: your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure, sir" said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin when he was eating out late one night. Biden walked over and asked, Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Hey Boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
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7
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General / Open Discussion / Pope and Obama
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on: November 25, 2011, 05:27:00 PM
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The Pope and Obama are in Yankee Stadium in front of a HUGE crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and says "do you know that with a little wave of my hand, i can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replies, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
The Pope backhanded him, knocking him off his seat!
AND THE CROWD ROARED AND CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
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10
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General / Open Discussion / Re: South Florida Boaters Please Read !!!!!
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on: August 22, 2011, 05:06:58 AM
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I had a boat longer than you been around.... Why so defense Gato you know for a fact that what I post is true.
I remember fishing in the bay and catching big 18" snappers, long gone from over fishing. Wish I can share those moments with my son, but maybe he can with his son.
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12
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General / Open Discussion / The Farmer and the Chicken
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on: August 19, 2011, 01:54:23 PM
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A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.
THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS, AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "AT OUR AGE, WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL."
"I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"
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13
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General / Open Discussion / foreign exchange student
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on: August 04, 2011, 08:14:01 PM
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The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Johnny's was the only hand in the air and he said; 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Johnny isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'fornicate the Japs,'
'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, We're screwed!'
Little Johnny said quietly, 'the American people, November 4, 2008.'
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15
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General / Open Discussion / Riddle of the Day
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on: June 08, 2011, 06:08:10 PM
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Riddle of the Day
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but doesn't use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Obama is one. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. Liberace never used his on women.. Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. Cher claims that she took on 3. We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
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17
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General / Open Discussion / My New Ford Truck
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on: May 31, 2011, 08:32:19 PM
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I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' Came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light And nearly creamed my new truck, But I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with, Ladies and gentlemen, The President of The United States
Damn I love this truck....
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19
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General / Open Discussion / GERMAN FLOAT
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on: May 13, 2011, 02:47:52 PM
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GERMAN FLOAT This float was in a parade in Berlin You've got to LOVE those Germans; they do have a GREAT and accurate sense of humor! Is that Hillary? What is she hanging on to? Answer: His stimulus package.
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20
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General / Open Discussion / Fish riding his horse with his Dog and Sheep
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on: May 12, 2011, 05:57:25 PM
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While riding one day, a lone Biker mets Fish riding a horse with a dog and a sheep alongside. The biker began a conversation . . . . Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Fish: "Dogs don't talk." Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doing' alright." Fish: Look of shock. Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at fish. Dog: "Yep." Biker: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, & takes me to the river once a week." Fish: Look of total disbelief. Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Fish: "Horses don't talk." Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Fish: Extreme look of shock. Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at fish. Horse: "Yessiree." Biker: "How's he treating you?" Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me." Fish: Total look of utter amazement. Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Fish: "The sheep is a liar."
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24
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General / Open Discussion / HEAVEN CLOCKS
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on: May 05, 2011, 07:45:37 PM
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move. Oh, said the man, whose clock is that? That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. Incredible, said the man. And whose clock is that one? St. Peter responded, That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life. Where's Obama's clock? asked the man. Obama's clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
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