ATV Florida Forum

DOES ANYONE HAVE A FUNNY JOKE PLEASE POST IT HERE !!

A GIRL ON A DATE

> > >A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here
and
> > >let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and
> > >kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let Him do that. He
> > >is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but
> > >don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try
> > >and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to
> > >like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the
> > >family. With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on
> > >her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went
> > >just like she had predicted: Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace
> > >the family. When he tried, Ijust turned over, got on top of him,
> > >and disgraced HIS family..." Granny fainted

A priest was driving along ...
and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak..." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

BOTH OF THOSE WERE VERY FUNNY [smiley=BigSmile.gif]
LOVE THE CHANGE  [smiley=Clap.gif]HUMOR IS ALWAY'S WELCOMED IN MY OPINION

GOOOOOD ONE !!!

I can do this all day....

WARNING: LOCK YOUR DOORS ! ! ! ! !

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
New Jersey man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his butt.  (http://www.hotsmileys.com/smileys/food/food07.gif)

Police suspect a cereal killer.

ONLY IN NEW JERSEY

Subject: Top 10 reasons why handguns are better than women.....


#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.

#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU, EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

And, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman......

#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN!

Now everyone laugh, ladies too. ;D

                          Priceless

Marty wakes up one morning with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, Ieft early to go shopping, Love you"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning paper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home at 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled in the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His Son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you into the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, " Lady leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00

Broken furniture - $200.00

Breakfast - $10.00

Saying the right thing - Priceless

>SOME HUMOR FOR TODAY KIDS TODAY THINK ON THEIR FEET
>
>TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
>
>JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
>
>TEACHER: No, that's wrong
>
>JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
>
>SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
>
>TEACHER: What are you talking about?
>
>SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that
>
>we didn't have ten years ago.
>
>WILLIE: Me!
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
>
>TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
>
>ELLEN: I is...
>
>TEACHER: No, Ellen.... Always say, "I am."
>
>ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
>
>JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same
>
>day, same time."
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
>tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
>punish him?"
>
>JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
>
>SAM: No sir, I don't have to,. . .my Mom is a good cook.
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: Morris, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
>your brother's. Did you copy his?
>
>DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
>no longer interested?
>
>PUPIL: A teacher

Driving Drunk

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over.

The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"

"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving fine. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."

Great jokes eveyone.....thanks for getting this thread started DjLeOo !  :D  Needed a good laugh

Your very welcome !!!!!

Keep the jokes coming guys & gals !!!

[smiley=BigSmile.gif] [smiley=BigSmile.gif] [smiley=BigSmile.gif] [smiley=BigSmile.gif] [smiley=BigSmile.gif] [smiley=BigSmile.gif] [smiley=BigSmile.gif] [smiley=BigSmile.gif]

Blond Joke  (http://fool.exler.ru/sm/croc.gif)

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Lousiana.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes
in the worst way...but she was very reluctant to pay the
high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly
prized shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator,
so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!"

The shopkeeper replied with a sly, knowing smile "Little lady,
you just go ahead and give it a try, why don't ya!"

The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the
swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator.

Later in the day as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls
over to the side of the levee where he spots that same
young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water,
shotgun in hand.  Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator
swimming rapidly toward the young lady.  With lightning speed,
she takes aim and kills the creature...and, with a great deal
of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank.  Lying nearby
were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario
in amazed silence.

Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great
frustration, she shouts out "Damn.  This one is barefoot, too!"

Museum Baby Humor

MEN DON'T FORGET ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just starring at the wall. She watches him take a drink of coffee and wipe a tear from his eye. ''What's the matter dear?'' she whispers as she walks into the room. ''Why are you down hear at this time of night?'' The husband looks up from his coffee and says ''Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?'' he asks solomnly. ''Yes I do'' she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. ''Do you remember when your father caught us making love in the back seat of the car?'' ''Yes I remember'' said the wife as she lowered herself in the chair beside him. The husband continued. ''Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said ''you either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'' I remember that too'' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said '' I would have gotten out today''.

Pet Owner Declaration
Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.

Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.  (http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/tiere/animal-smiley-031.gif)  I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs' butt.  (http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/tiere/animal-smiley-036.gif)

I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

It's a man thing.


A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it!" She blows her top, "You Bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. " Aw fu*k, it's started."

How do you explain this to the insurance company....  

WOW scaryyyyyyyy!!!!!

Dear Abby,


 My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The
other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be
able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood
it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a
big f$%k&#ng red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time
he'll buy me a diamond.
                         Sincerely,
                      Bit*chy in Boston

that was goooooooooooood ;D

A blind man in a store

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

..

LMAO ^^^^^^(http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/otn/laughing/yelrotflmao.gif)
(http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/otn/laughing/lol2.gif)

..

The scary ballet sight

Holy friggin' crap dude.... that's no joke! Except for when his wife had to clean his drawers :-X

Q: Why do women have trouble peeing after sex?  ???

A: Ever try to pull apart a grilled-cheese sandwich?  8)

What do you call a guy with his hand up a horses butt?
An Amish Mechanic

What do you do when an epileptic has a fit in the tub?Throw
in youre laundry.

What do the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?We do
tast like chicken.

 :P

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking her/his sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell
loudly "There's no toilet paper in here!" (http://fool.exler.ru/sm/wc.gif)

OMG THAT WAS FUNNYYYYYYYYYY ;D

What's the difference between a fagget and a freezer???

A freezer doesn't fart when you take the meat out!!!


A blonde woman walks into a gas station and asks the guy behind the counter if he has a clothes hanger because she locked her keys in her car. The man givers her one and continues to wait on other customers. About ten  minutes later he looks out the window and sees the blonde woman still struggling to unlock the door so he decides to go out and assist her. As he approaches the car he asks if he can help to which she replies, no thanks I almost got it. The other blonde woman inside the car replies, yeah, she just needs to go a little more to the left!!!

A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your thingy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said,You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE.

BUMPSTUMPER That was hilarious!!! ;D

Should have spent more time learning correct english...LOL (http://fool.exler.ru/sm/brsh1.gif)

Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette.

Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?"

So she replies: "I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom"

So her friend asks: "What’s a condom? Where did you get it?"

So she says: "At the pharmacy"

So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom. The clerk asks: "What size?"

So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel"

Click here "Meow" (http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/chowmein.html)

Good one !!!

can you say 55   http://www.ebaumsworld.com/schfiftyfive.html

Click here:  Dueling Banjos (http://homepages.nildram.co.uk/~blagger/the_duel.html)

Kawgirl.....That meow one was freaking halarious.....I almost peed my pants!  I have a stomach ache now from laughing so hard!!!

Aa rednecks way to go

A bad day for rednecks

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's  drinking, the monkey starts jumping all around the place.
>
>
>The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,
somehow swallows it whole.
>
>
>The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?
" The guy says "No, what?".
>
>
>"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table....whole!"
>
>
>"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in
>
>sight, the little bastard.   Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
>
>He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves.
>
>Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While
the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the
bar.
>
>
>He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the
monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and
eats it.  The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now?", he asks.   "No, what?" replies the guy.
>
>"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them
out,  and ate them!",  said the bartender.
>
>
>"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he
measures everything first."

what do you call a deer with no eyes?


no idea.

What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes
A still no ideer.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the leaf pile?
Russell

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the ocean?
Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on the wall? Art

Quasi motto, Cinderella, and Tom Thumb are going to see the Wizard of Oz to confirm their special places in the world. Cinderalla the most beautiful, Tom the smallest and Quasi motto the ugliest (which he is oddly proud of).
Cinderella goes in and comes right back out and says proudly that he confirmed that she is the most beautiful in the world.
Tom goes in and comes right back out and proudly announces that he is indeed the smallest man in the world.
Quasi motto goes in. several minutes later tom and cinderella look at each other concerned wondering what could possibly be taking so long.
after about another half an hour Quasi motto comes out scratching his head and asks  Who the hell is Janet Reno ?

What do you get when you have 50 government workers and 50 lesbians in the same room?

100 people that don't do d&ck.

last one and most risque      
3 gay guys are at a creamatorium to pick up the ashes of their deceased lovers. Although they had never met before the started talking about what they planned to do with their lover's ashes.
The first guy says that his boyfriend loved to fish so they are going out on his boat with a few friends to say some kind words before pouring in the ashes.
the second guy says that his boyfriend loved to fly so he has rented a plane so that after a small party he will fly up and release the ashes into the clouds.
the third guy is impressed by the other two and having had no such plans quickly comes up with something to do with his deceased lover's ashes.
he tells the other two that my boyfriend was such a good lover that I'm going to take his ashes home and put them in some hot chilli.
The stunned two ask why so he tells them
so he can tear my a$$ up one more time.

Got this from a movie: A guy walks into a bar. Goes to the barteder and orders a drink. After, he goes to 5 men in the back corner of the bar shooting pool. Talks with them for 5 minutes and walks back to the bartender with his empty glass. He sets it on a table 15 feet away and tells the bartender" I bet ya $50 bucks i could piss in the cup from here and not miss at all, not a drop. Bartnder accepts the bet. Guy gets ready, start pissin all over the place, on the bar, on the phone and all over the bartender. Bartneder smiles and laughs a bit.  Guy says, lemme get the $$$. Goes over to the 5 guys comes back pays the man $50 and starts laughin his ass off. Bartender says, what the hell you so happy about? you just lost $50. Guy says, i just bet those 5 guys $100 a piece that a could piss all over your bar, all over your phone, all over you, and you wouldnt do anything, but infact, youd be happy.

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem
like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance
rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try
to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up
drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the
first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor,
I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen
people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a
diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them
this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle
is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" The judge asked the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs
forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you
manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said,
'This small circle is your not a very nice person before prison....'"

ONLY ONE MORE, UNLESS YOU GUYS WANT MORE.?

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the not a very nice person. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?" "Senators, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"'
"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to >unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake >the $hit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the $hit out of a senator, there ain't nothin' left but an $sshole and a briefcase

 
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers. There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Subject: The owner of a golf course in Arkansas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University  and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Arkansas women
======================== =========

Arkansas Hunters
A group of Arkie rednecks went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.  

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had  a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried
the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!
========================

Regarding the year 2000, a senior at U of Ark  was overheard saying ... "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Arkansas."  When asked why, he  stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.

=======================
The young redneck came running into the store and said to his buddy,  "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young redneck answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

=======================
NEWS FLASH! - Fayetteville, ARK----- Arkansas's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Univ of Arkansas students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today near Little Rock.

Volunteer search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot  and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

=======================
An Arkansas State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-540 The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?

ha ha good thing this is ''ATV FLORIDA'' .com or else some people would get offended

This yuppie guy goes into a rough biker bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender says no way buddy you have to leave before someone decides to kick your butt or rob you. the guys says come on i just need a quick drink before I get back to work the bartender sayd O.K. but at the first sign of trouble you are out of here.
After delivering the drink the bartender notices the guy whispering into his hand with it pressed against his face. the bartender quickly says you're out of here nut. the guy explains that to save time he has had a cell phone implanted into his hand. The bartender doesn't believe it until hte guy lets him make a call right there on his hand.
a little later the guy goes to the bathroom and when he doesn't come out after a few minutes the bartender gets worried and goes in to check on him.
upon walking into the mens room the bartender sees the guy bent over with his hands on the counter and a roll of toilet paper stuck up his rear end. the bartender apologetically says I'm sorry I should have kept a closer eye on you, did you at least see who did this to you so we can call the cops?  
The guy says you don't understand nobody jumped me I'm just about to receive a fax.

How do you get a nun pregnant ?
dress her like an alter boy.

five men training to become priests are in the last phase of testing.
The final test is to see if your heart is truely pure and to see if you can resist temptation mentally as well as physically.
The five men are stood facing forward while naked. the training priest ties a bell to each of their p#nis#s and explains that they can only pass if they are truely able to disregard temptation since the bell will tell all.
then several beautiful women are paraded past them. blondes , brunettes, red heads, white, black, latin, women of all shapes and sizes to make sure they strike the fancy of all men.
after a few women go past a bell goes off as it is lifted by an excited man's p#nis.  he is promply dismissed and informed that he has failed and will not be a priest.
a few more women and another bell goes off. he too is told to leave.
the priest stands there with a watchful eye on the remaining three while the rest of the women pass. as he is about to congradulate them he drops his pen.
as he bends down to get it the remaining three bells sound off. he raises up with a smile and welcomes them to the priesthood.

Check out this one:
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/bubbrubb.wmv

I got two words for y'all....

"Woo - Woooooo!!!!"   ;D

yes I did laugh at the idiots "woo- woooing" but this is just another example of the few trampling on the rights of the many. People now days don't have the notion of common decency or an idea of what respect is and if you do research there is one common factor to  most of it. If I were that woman complaining I would buy one for my car and drive non stop through the upscale neighborhoods where the city councilmen live and see how quickly the law gets modified.  ;)

I think most of them jokes are true. LOL

true story
we had an old man that was pissed off about his $15. water bill. so he gets on his riding mower and goes down to city hall and shots the mayor. he was arrested 30 minutes later at a gas station refueling his mower.

A bear and a rabbit stumble upon a genie lamp, rub it , and the genie pops out. They get the usual three wish deal.

The bear wishes for a twelve inch d***.
The rabbit wants a motorcycle helmet.
Bear wishes that all of the bears in the world be female.
the rabbit wishes for a really fast mortorcycle.
Bear wishes that all of those female bears fall madly in love with him ....and to his every command.
The rabbit wishes that the bear is gay.

.....sucks for the bear ;D

asphaltdragon      I agree that was puching the limit and questioned posting it. I apologize if it offended anyone. I will use better discression in the future.

>As I Mature I've learned that you cannot make
>someone love you. All you can do is
>stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
>
>I've learned that no matter how much I care,
>some people are just assholes.
>
>I've learned that it takes years
>to build up trust, and it only takes
>suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
>
>I've learned that you can get by
>on charm for about fifteen minutes.
>After that, you'd better have a big willy
>or huge boobs.
>
>I've learned that you shouldn't
>compare yourself to others - they are
>more screwed up than you think.
>
>I've learned that you can keep vomiting
>long after you think you're finished.
>
>I've learned that we are responsible
>for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
>
>I've learned that regardless of
>how hot and steamy a relationship is at
>first, the passion fades, and there had better
>be a lot of money to take its place!
>
>I've learned that 99% of the time when
>something isn't working in your house, one
>of your kids did it
>
>I've learned that the people you care most
>about in life are taken from you too soon
>and all the less important ones just never go away.

Conno Leo, eso ta emocional. Looks like u need a hug dog!!! Or maybe a hit of that chiba!

i think the CHIBAAAAAAA !!!!
======== ~~~~~

A bear and a rabbit was out in the woods taking a poop the bear looked over at the rabbit and ask him. Does that poop stick to your fur? The rabbit said heck no. So the bear reaches over and grabs the rabbit and used him to wipe his behind. [smiley=Smile.gif]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say,
at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish  the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident  he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said  to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer
ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown
into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting,
real bad and didn't want to  move. However, I could hear ole Bessie
moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her
groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked  at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the
eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand,
looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the heck would you say?"

I got some crazy pictures !!!! Funny thow but if its too much for this site let me know and ill take it out !!!!!! No offend to anyone !!!

Rated XXX

;D ;D ;D ;D :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Pictures of nature !!

 
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle.... "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .....

(GET READY FOR THIS......)






"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Two guys are drinking a couple of beers in a garage after riding their atv's. while they talk about their quads and women (what else is there to talk about?) one guy looks over upon hearing a slurping noise from the corner. There he sees his friend's pit bull licking his nuts and appearing to be enjoying himself. The guy says to the dogs owner "I'm jealous, I wish I could do that". The dogs owner says "well you can try, but he might bite you". ::)

REDNECK ICE FISHING IN MICHIGAN

A True report of an incident in Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for $42,500 and has $560 Monthly payments.  He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen.  These two guys go out on the lake with their Guns, a dog, and of course the new Vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.  Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to Float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more Effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.  Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator truck), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting Blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of Paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING.  Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.  The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.  The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.  One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.

The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.  The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on.  Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck.

The men continue to yell as they run.  The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.

Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED.  He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!

And you thought your day was not going well?? ;D

Not a joke but very funny!

for those easily offended....Rated R for language....

Turn up the volume on your PC....
http://www.scarysquirrel.org/special/movies/foamy/sml2.html

That's funny but true x4grl. Go to USF sometime and you see lots of that.

I think its pretty funny!  

but i think it is lost in this long string of jokes.

Man of all the jokes and or non jokes posted so far that one was the absolute FUNNIEST!Good one 4XGIRL ;D

I LIVOED EVERYBODYS JOKE THEY REALLY FUNNY

heres soomthing for yall.

http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=174928651&m=4404&rr=y&source=msne999


I think there is a little redneck in everyone :P

Much has been said about "tough love" for misbehaving children.  

Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so my spouse and I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of "those moments".

One that we found very effective is for me just take the child for a car ride and talk.

They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.

I've included the photo below of one of my sessions, with our son, in case you would like to use the technique.


Its very effective!





(scroll down)

OH GAWD LMAO.I'll have 2 try that one ,BUT knowing my kids they would ENJOY the heck out of it ;D

First off... babygirl I'm glad to see you have already found all the right sites. This one is great for local riders.
Just wanted to say that I use a similar method. I take my kids to the park, and sure enough by the time they find their way home they are willing to see things my way  ;D.

Yeah, thanks Cain...you guys couldn't hide from me forEVER!

 Two Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on bench during break.
One turns to the other asking,"Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full
of
aches and pains, I know you are about my age, How do you feel?

Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe."

Rather amazed his coworker repeats his statement in the form of a
question,
"Really? A new born babe???"

"Yup", grins Slim, "No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my
pants."

This is a true story, After our second child my wife started exerciseing to lose the weight she had gained with the pregnancy. After monitoring her diet and exercising she failed to lose weight and in fact put on a few pounds. Frustrated she went to the doctor for a check up. After a consultation and a few tests he came back in to the room and congradulated us saying "you did it again, she's pregnant". Still reeling from the recent birth of our second daughter I was nearly floored. The doctor said "well you know what causes this, so you shouldn't be surprised". Being a smart butt I said " I think it was something in the water". He replied "no it was something in the air" Baffled I asked in disbelief "the air?" and he said "yep, your wife's feet".  Although he had been her doctor since she was 12 I expected a little more relaxed attitude while dealing with her, but that caught me off gaurd.

New Virus
There's a new virus going around. The code name for it is "WORK". If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks, and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain. (http://fool.exler.ru/sm/alc.gif) (http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/ernaehrung/food-smiley-022.gif) (http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/ernaehrung/food-smiley-015.gif)

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are Already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry. I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe. (http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/party/party-smiley-020.gif)

http://koti.mbnet.fi/~soldier/towboat.htm

Holy crap!  lol

That is pretty wild Bump. They fail to mention the tug boat was powerd by 2 POLARIS 600 twinn motors.hehe ;D

lol your 2 funny ;D

First, to all the police officers, please do not be offended by this joke!!   :)  I couldn't help but post it!  ;D

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit),
a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but
surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot not a very nice person?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS.

I get so many jokes a day from friends I could keep this up forever!! *** Never posted a pic before so not sure if this is going to work.

What happens when you:

1) have nothing to do

2) own a sharp knife

3) have a large lime

4) own a patient cat

5) drink too much tequila

6) and it's football season?

OK Ok just one more, I promise!  ;)

How to Shower like a woman....
> >>>
> >>>1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
> >>>according to  lights and darks.
> >>>
> >>>2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband

> >>>along  the way, cover up any exposed areas.
> >>>
> >>>3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note

> >>>to do more sit-ups
> >>>
> >>>4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long
> >>>loofah,  wide loofah, and pumice stone.
> >>>
> >>>5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43
added
> >>>vitamins.
> >>>
> >>>6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
> >>>
> >>>7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced
> >>>with  natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
> >>>
> >>>8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes

> >>>until red.
> >>>
> >>>9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body
> >>>wash.
> >>>
> >>>10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
> >>>
> >>>11. Shave armpits and legs.
> >>>
> >>>12. Turn off shower.
> >>>
> >>>13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with

> >>>Tilex.
> >>>
> >>>14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

> >>>Wrap  hair in super absorbent towel.
> >>>
> >>>15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
> >>>
> >>>16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on
head.
> >>>
> >>>17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

> >>>
> >>>
> >>>How To Shower Like a Man
> >>>
> >>>1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave

> >>>them in a  pile.
> >>>
> >>>2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way,
shake
> >>>wiener  at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
> >>>
> >>>3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of
> >>>your  wiener and scratch your ass.
> >>>
> >>>4. Get in the shower.
> >>>
> >>>5. Wash your face.
> >>>
> >>>6. Wash your armpits.
> >>>
> >>>7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

> >>>
> >>>8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud
they
> >>>sound in  the shower.
> >>>
> >>>9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
> >>>
> >>>10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the
> >>>soap.
> >>>
> >>>11. Shampoo your hair.
> >>>
> >>>12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
> >>>
> >>>13. Pee.
> >>>
> >>>14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
> >>>
> >>>15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because
> >>>curtain was  hanging out of tub the whole time.
> >>>
> >>>16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
> >>>
> >>>17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

> >>>
> >>>18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass
> >>>wife, pull  off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo'

> >>>sound again.
> >>>
> >>>19. Throw wet towel on bed.

LMAO!

Awwwwwwwww

I love the cat pic

knock knock
whos there?
boo!!
boo who !!
gosh you  dont have to cry about it!!


lol hahahahaha   i crack my self up, lol j/k

Another “Rabbit Run”

This is a true story.  Our next door neighbor’s daughter has a pet rabbit in our South Orlando neighborhood.  Occasionally they would let the rabbit out of the cage to get some exercise and it would often hide in the bushes of our front yard.  A couple of weeks ago, the rabbit turned up missing, much to the girl’s dismay.  They suspected that the “cable guy” had taken it but we couldn’t imagine anyone would be so mean.  I remarked to my wife that the oriental people 3 doors down probably ate it for dinner.  (They cook in their garage, but that’s another story.)  Two weeks passed and my wife went to a friend’s house in Kissimmee for a “girl” party.  (Scrapbooks or Tupperware?)  After being there for awhile, the “friend” walks out with the neighbor’s rabbit and shows my wife.  My wife proceeds to tell the woman that the rabbit belongs to our neighbor and that the girl next door is devastated.  The “friend” proceeds to tell my wife she took it out of our yard one day when we were not home.  She took it because its nails needed to be trimmed and “it wasn’t being taken care of”. Not even the least bit concerned about an apology or how the neighbor girl feels.  Not to mention the fact that he had it in Kissimmee 2 weeks and never told my wife she “found“ it in OUR yard.   Now, my poor wife, caught in the middle of the whole thing, brings the rabbit home with her that night.  Then she takes it next door and tells the neighbors she found it in the front yard.  What is she supposed to do, “tell the neighbor’s her friend stole it and took it to Kissimmee”?  The police would laugh their heads off if we told them about a story like this.  And get this, no joke, the woman who stole the rabbit, her name is, you guessed it…  Bunny. Weird people out there.  My wife is looking for new friends.  I keep telling her to ride with us, the best people are on this site, but you knew that.  --H

Ok...that does it...you Floridians are WEIRD

A Wife's Story:

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh s--t," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

http://www.toilette-humor.com/cartoon.html

Lil Mrs:  LMAO   ;D  I guess I should have said that the cuckoo clock tripped over the table and fell in the pool and then.....  [smiley=Pinch.gif]

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up
and no one is there. He looks all around and finally
sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks
it up and throws it into a field across the street.
Ten years go by and one day he hears a knocking on
his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He
looks all around and finally sees a little snail
sitting on the doormat.

The snail says, "What the h**l was that all about?"

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.
Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength  and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.  ;D

A woman is enjoying a good game of tennis with her girlfriends one day".
"Oh,No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband!
He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner.
To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.
"Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage.
You can make this for me any old day.

Needless to say, every tennis day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified.  "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around when one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!  How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him.  He fell off the window sill while he was licking his ass." (http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/otn/animals/nibble6.gif)

This guy goes in to the doctor for his check up. after his exam the doctor tells him that he wants to run a few tests. after a while the doctor comes in and says I have terrible new, you only have 10 left to live. Immediately the guy says tell me doctor 10 what years, months....
the doctor shushes him while looking at his watch and says 5...4...3...2...

Costello buys a computer from Abbott:
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. How can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(LATER)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
ABBOTT: Click on "START.

 my mom is like that lol

LIFE IS TOUGH - How do these People survive?

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.  I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.  "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.  "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you Know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" ...."Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.  "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "Cruise Control" and then went in the back to make a tuna sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.  Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to Emergency!

Life is Tough. It's Tougher if you're Stupid.

Speaks for itself......



http://www.noedesign.com/dev/KerryEdwards

Presidents Reagan, Bush, Clinton, and (ex) V.P Gore are all dead and standing at the river Jordan. there they are greated by an angel and told that they have to walk across to get into Heavan. they will each sink according to their sins and how they served their country. if their sins are too great they will sink and not be able to enter Heavan.
Reagan goes first. as he begins walking he also begins sinking. the water reaches no higher his upper waiste and he joyfully reaches the other side.
next Bush goes. he walks and sinks. he makes it across and gets wet to his chest.
upon reaching the other side Bush turns to see Clinton smiling, passing through the middle and only wet to his shins. maddly he yells at the angel "There's no way he should be that dry"
the angel replies "he's standing on Gore's shoulders, but don't worry, Gore can't go much longer without air and when he drowns Clinton will sink like a rock"

If we are flying the flag at half staff for 30 days for President Reagan, will we have to wear our pants around our knees for 30 days when Clinton dies?

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman, who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and
join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol, and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so
badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ, become a vegetable and a burden to someone,
she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee. . . .

Honda328i to answer your question about when Clinton dies
No. What we would haved to do is cheat on our wives with fat ugly women and cigars, go on national T.V. and lie about it, order a cover up that would end up costing millions of dollars, re-define simple words like "is", admit what we did and say it's no ones business, blame it all on a right wing conspiracy, write a book, and try our hardest to get our lesbian wives elected to the white house so that we could do it all again.

Todays Phunny--  

Just goes to show a mind is a terrible thing to WaStE.  ;D

haha idiots ;)

>The Ugly Bus...
>
>A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
>everyone inside dies.  They then get to meet their maker, and because
>of the grief they have experienced he decides to grant them one wish
>each, before they enter Paradise.  They're all lined up, and God asks
>the first one what their wish is.
>
>"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
>
>The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
>Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
>
>This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when
>God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.  
>When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
>laughing his head off.  Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him
>what his wish will be.
>
>The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".
>
>NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE . . . BE HAPPY!

MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR NEXT SATURDAY.

AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.

SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOMES COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS. CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT. [smiley=Tongue.gif]

ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSES TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK IT'S OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIVES AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN. AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT.
THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

> > >Medical Terms in Redneck Language
> > >
> > >Artery............................The study of paintings.
> > >Benign........................What you be after you be eight.
> > >Bacteria.........................Back door to cafeteria.
> > >Barium....................What doctors do when patients die.
> > >Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome.
> > >Cat Scan.......................Searching for Kitty.
> > >Cauterize.......................Made eye contact with her.
> > >Coma.............................A punctuation mark.
> > >Dilate.............................To live long.
> > >Enema............................Not a friend.
> > >Fester.............................Quicker than someone else.
> > >Fibula..............................A small lie.
> > >Hangnail.........................What you hang your coat on.
> > >Impotent..........................Distinguished, well known.
> > >Labor Pain.......................Getting hurt at work.
> > >Medical Staff.....     ..........A Doctor's cane.
> > >Morbid.............................A higher offer than I bid.
> > >Nitrates............ ...............Cheaper than day rates.
> > >Node.................................I knew it.
> > >Pelvis...............................Second cousin to Elvis.
> > >Post Operative.......   .......A letter carrier.
> > >Rectum............................Darn near killed him.
> > >Seizure.............................Roman emperor.
> > >Tablet...............................A small table.
> > >Tumor...............................More than one.
> > >Urine.................................Opposite of you! 're out
> > >Varicose............................Nearby

Did ya hear the one about the 25 or so ATV'ers who rode in a hurricane?............. ;D

Actual court case in Australia

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:


1. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but  
   notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign  
   that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I  
   grined.

2. Then she moved and sat under a sign that  
   said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and  
   I had to smile.

3. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that  
   said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could  
   hardly contain myself.

4. But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time  
   and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber  
   could have prevented this Accident." I just lost it."

The Mole Family

-- A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is....

Get ready.....

Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...

MOLASSES!

Q. why did the blonde take a ladder to the bar?

A. b/cuz she heard the drinks were on the house  

FW: The stall

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest
stop
but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed:
"Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.

Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end
the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back.
There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps
answering all my questions!"   ;D

This is pretty graphic, but incredibly funny...

This came from the triangle.dining newsgroup, and is about Ryan's:

Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this
group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer
fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.
Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks
Ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a
Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot
bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night
is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering
from table to table entertaining the little ba$tards.  It may seem that the
events about to be told have little connection to those two
circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment. We went through the
line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat
down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to
keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot
bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that
evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian
ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated.  Perhaps a bit too much,
however. I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit
of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of
food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm
that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward
pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have
been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern.
Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear
that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease
can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which
spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon
entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to
the
right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One
of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone
to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a
good
sh!t, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I
hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a
pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I
am taking a sh!t. I went to the normal stall.
In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped
stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of
time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under
the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall,
the pressure on my a$$ was reaching Biblical proportions.  I began "The
Move."  For those women who may be reading this, let me take a
Moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to
at
Any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a
Sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any
circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously
approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones a$$
toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline,
and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same
time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results
in the flawless expulsion of sh!t at the exact same second that ones
a$$ is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even
assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the
toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time;
it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet
dancer.  I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at
the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one
of those little ba$tards attending kids night; it was mounded up in
the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall.
Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had
eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a
rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined
with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach,
four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What
happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a
bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.  In that
moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the
goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I
was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees,
with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know
that vomiting takes precidence over sh!t no matter what is about to come
slamming out of you’re a$$. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since
sh!tting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to
accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial
tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted.  At that
very split second, my a$$ exploded in what can only be described as a
wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of
"30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed
to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of sh!t the
consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came
flying out of my a$$. But remember, I was only half-way down on the
toilet at that moment. The sh!t wave was of such force and of just
such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it
ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an
angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the
toilet seat. Then I sat down.  Recall that when that event occurred, I
was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the
point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively
stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're
going
down no matter how limber
you may be. Needless to say, the sh!t wave, though of considerable
force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet
seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when
hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you
throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to
re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of sh!t remaining on
about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.
Now, back to the vomit...   (see page 2)

 While all the sh!tting was going on, the
vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on
the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the
macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body
instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was
still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted
in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in
between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which
were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles.
Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with
elastic on the ankles.  In one mighty push, some three pounds of
macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast
Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit
At the bottom down by my feet.  In the next several seconds, there were
A handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was
Now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in sh! t
That had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to
A height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at
me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid sh!t. All
while thick sh!t was spread all over my a$$ in a ring curiously in the
shape of a toilet seat.  And there was no f*cking toilet paper.  What
could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to
the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was
OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying
hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the
manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper.
When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no
way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there
was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the
stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask
my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left.
At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just
A bit in my pants or something similarly benign.  About two minutes
later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and
with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still
laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident
and
needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in
the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or
something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt
immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was
about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new
socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage
around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then
started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an
explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would
tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for
the time being. She left.  The manager then came back in with a half-dozen
wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and
bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything
that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained
that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of
what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks
working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above. At that
moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation.
Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be
eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.  Fortunately,
commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors
and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy.
Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to
the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with
the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with  the new
clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the
previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the
store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and
carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured
that
it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the
event I happened to be standing there naked and some little ba$tard
kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet
committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.  When I finished
getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall,
washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I
put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to
go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked
out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing
ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to
throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was
now waiting to pick me up by the front door.  The upshot of all this is
that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have,
by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have
eaten.

Budman,
while I sit here teary eyed from laughter, clutching my sides and realing from the nature of your post I must admit I am struck with awe at either your brutal honesty and willingness to laugh at what most other would need therapy to recover from, or your unmatched ability to entertain with elaborate B.S. I feel compelled to act on 2 immediate needs:

1)  I must thank you for  such an entertaining (yet utterly disgusting) story   and

2) I must ask that you and I never dine in the same place at the same time.
Next time bring some Depends just in case  ;).

Geez, Cain....I hate to burst your bubble, but if you read the very first line, you'll see I got that from a newsgroup..NOT ME IN THE STORY!!  I don't have that good of story telling ability. I about died when I read that, and had to share. It has to be the funniest story I've read. I had to stop several times to wipe tears of laughter and just push my self away from the computer!!

No bubble burst here. I just jumped into the story and didn't see that part. regardless that was funny. thanks for sharing no matter where you found it. However it would have been better if it were someone we could all put a name or a face to.

Put my name to it...I don't care...Iv'e been the butt of worse jokes...lol
another?
> Dear Tech Support:
>
> Last year I upgraded fromGirlfriend 7.0 toWife 1.0. I soon noticed
> that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
> lot of space and valuable resources. In addition,Wife 1.0installed
> itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
> activity. Applications such asPoker Night 10.3,Football 5.0,Hunting
> and Fishing 7.5, andRacing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system
> whenever selected.
>
> I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
> run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back
> toGirlfriend 7.0, butthe uninstalldoesn't work onWife 1.0. Please
> help!
>
> Thanks,
> ATroubled User. (KEEP READING)
> ______________________________________
>
> REPLY:
> Dear Troubled User:
>
> This is a very common problem that men complain about.
>
> Many people upgrade fromGirlfriend 7.0 toWife 1.0, thinking that it is
> just a Utilities and Entertainment program.Wife 1.0 is anOPERATING
> SYSTEMand is designed by its Creator to runEVERYTHING!!! It is also
> impossible to deleteWife 1.0 and to return toGirlfriend 7.0. It is
> impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the
> systemonceinstalled.
>
> You cannot go back toGirlfriend 7.0becauseWife 1.0 is designed to not
> allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
> Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keepWife1.0and
> work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background
> application"YesDear"to alleviate software augmentation.
>
> The best course of action is to enter the commandC:\APOLOGIZEbecause
> ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
> system will return to normal anyway.
>
> Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
> Wife 1.0comes with several support programs, such asClean and Sweep
> 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
>
> However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
> cause the system to launch the programNag Nag 9.5. Once this happens,
> the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
> additional software. I recommendFlowers 2.1 andDiamonds5.0 !
>
> WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances,install Secretary With
> Short Skirt 3.3.This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will
> cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
>
> Best of luck,
> Tech Support
>
> The information contained in this communication may be confidential, is
> intended only for the use of the recipient(s) named above, and may be
> legally privileged.  You are hereby notified that any dissemination,
> distribution or copying of this communication and any of its contents
> or
> attachments is strictly prohibited.  If you have received this
> communication in error, please notify us immediately by replying to
> this
> message and please delete this message from all computers and servers.
> The information contained in this communication may be confidential, is
> intended only for the use of the recipient(s) named above, and may be
> legally privileged.  You are hereby notified that any dissemination,
> distribution or copying of this communication and any of its contents
> or
> attachments is strictly prohibited.  If you have received this
> communication in error, please notify us immediately by replying to
> this
> message and please delete this message from all computers and servers.

New York's JUNIOR Senator Hillary Clinton was attending a party, when she noticed Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.  She walked over to him, and in a quiet voice said. "If you were my husband, I would poison your drink."

Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered in her ear, "And if you were my wife, I would drink it." ;D

 :o You are SO dirty! Lmao

WTF Damn mods always delete'n $hit >:(
That was a good joke man
Lost my vote for president

I  hope you're not refering to me. I haven't removed anything from this thread.

No just you guys in general no one specific  ;D

Gotta bust someones balls saltsdale thread is dead  :P

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.  He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.  He has his shotgun in one and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.  He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto.  We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here.  What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management position.  Come in, drink coffee, shoot the sh*t, and disappear for the rest of the day."

LMAO, that was funny and true

The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Quaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.

In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.

The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.

Question: Does anyone know how to make a cat go WOOF





Answer: A gallon of gas and a lighter.   ;D ;D

  ok heres one of mine

an english major and a pollock are in a poetry contest. it comes down to the two of them locked in a tie. the judges decide to have a run off and tell each of them they have to make up they're own poem. but, they have to use the word timbuktu in it. they have five minutes.

five min later the english major goes first. he says " traveling across the desert sands, riding along in a caravan, camels in a row two by two, on our way to timbuktu!  everyone aplauds loudly. the pollock jumps up and grabs the mike and says i got one....here it goes..

tim and i away we went, came across three whores in a tent, they were three and we were two, i bucked one and tim bucked two!!! ;D