DIET QUESTIONS ANSWERED

DIET QUESTIONS ANSWERED

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
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Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain -
Good.
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Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind..
If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?
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Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy and a balanced diet - (a Steak in one hand and a beer
in the other... )
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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel
good food around!
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I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! Another
misconception is what people THINK are actually killing them. It's NOT
their diet. Let me explain:
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks
than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.

4. The Italians drink large amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or
Canadians.

6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British,
or Canadians.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

I rest my case...