Redneck Classic

[CABLEGUY1]

You have to open it at the bottom.I'm to much of a redneck to figure out how to post it correctly.LOL.

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[Bigscrb15]

lol thats the truth

[bigscrub79]

LMAO, once i finally got it open. I will post it so everyone else can read it too.

TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY
 
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only fourteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, fifteen years old, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate

06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

04. I don't have a favorite college team.

03. You Guys.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL EVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!!!!!

[dnigels]

 

[dynodon]

 

[Loven It]

Here ya go - these kinda go with the ones you posted.



The North has coffee houses.............The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services............The South has family reunions.

The North has double last names........The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy.............The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has Indy car races.............The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat.........The South has grits.

The North has green salads................The South has greens.

The North has lobsters.......................The South has catfish.

The North has the rust belt.........The South has the Bible Belt.


FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH............

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four
men in a  four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly.
Don't  try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live
for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals, tanning booths, and bait in
the same store....do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is
plural possessive.

"Ya momenem" means 'your mom and the rest of the family'

Get used to "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how
to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They
can't understand you either.

The first Southern phrase to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy.. Most
Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of
them  are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this." you should
stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest  accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery
store.  It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to

go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns,
they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green
lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will
accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven,
we
wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

[Quad32x]

 

[bigscrub79]

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will
accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven,
we
wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Thats my favorite part.

[X-DreamChick]

I'm plumb sick and tired of hearing about how dumb us folks are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankees to take this exam.

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '86 Dodge Diplomat
(C) '80 Ford pickup.

3. If your uncle builds a Still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a Chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 23 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a Hollow with an average slope of 15%.
The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country music singer?

I betcha thought that this here test was gonna be an easy one, didn't cha? It's okay if ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya there's a whole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK MATH CHALLENGE", here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece.

. . . Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place a delivery order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them!

 

[bigscrub79]

Answers

1)Impossible, if there is a 10-possum near my house it will be shot and served as dinner.
2)Duh, A is the answer.
3)2
4)Are his friends helping? if so it will take all of the buds consumed.
5)All dogs but the mangy one your great aunt left, nothin will kill that basturd.
6)Does a bear sh!t in the woods
7)Slim to none
8)We produce one every year, just not all are appreciated.

[dnigels]

100%

Git R Dun!

[Captain The Morgan]

Typically, I don't like lists...but that one was classic! Truly made me laught at loud on "I'll take Shakespear for 1000, Alex".


Good work.

[SWAMP_DONKEY]

Answers

1)Impossible, if there is a 10-possum near my house it will be shot and served as dinner.
2)Duh, A is the answer.
3)2
4)Are his friends helping? if so it will take all of the buds consumed.
5)All dogs but the mangy one your great aunt left, nothin will kill that basturd.
6)Does a bear sh!t in the woods
7)Slim to none
8)We produce one every year, just not all are appreciated.

Sorry Sir but the answer to Question 2 is "B" , you are correct on the others

[dnigels]

Any redneck with a Dodge Diplomat is a POSER!

[Mudneck]

YALL ARE FUNNY 

[bigscrub79]

Any redneck with a Dodge Diplomat is a POSER!

Exactly. SwampDonkey, you sir are a Poser.

[SWAMP_DONKEY]

Any redneck with a Dodge Diplomat is a POSER!

Exactly. SwampDonkey, you sir are a Poser.

 You said you wouldnt tell !!!!