FUNNY JOKES !!!!

[lil_Mrs._Honda1]

http://www.toilette-humor.com/cartoon.html

[Honda328i]

Lil Mrs:  LMAO    I guess I should have said that the cuckoo clock tripped over the table and fell in the pool and then.....  [smiley=Pinch.gif]

[Honda328i]

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up
and no one is there. He looks all around and finally
sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks
it up and throws it into a field across the street.
Ten years go by and one day he hears a knocking on
his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He
looks all around and finally sees a little snail
sitting on the doormat.

The snail says, "What the h**l was that all about?"

[kawGIRL]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.
Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength  and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.  

[kawGIRL]

A woman is enjoying a good game of tennis with her girlfriends one day".
"Oh,No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband!
He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner.
To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.
"Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage.
You can make this for me any old day.

Needless to say, every tennis day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified.  "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around when one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!  How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him.  He fell off the window sill while he was licking his ass."

[cain73]

This guy goes in to the doctor for his check up. after his exam the doctor tells him that he wants to run a few tests. after a while the doctor comes in and says I have terrible new, you only have 10 left to live. Immediately the guy says tell me doctor 10 what years, months....
the doctor shushes him while looking at his watch and says 5...4...3...2...

[kawGIRL]

Costello buys a computer from Abbott:
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. How can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(LATER)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
ABBOTT: Click on "START.

[o4250]

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.


I like these rules everytime my friend's mom comes over she always tells me to move the dogs out of the room. One time I told her I was like the dogs live here you don't so if u don't like the dogs you can leave. She has kept her mouth closed ever since then.  
                                           ~Jennifer~

 my mom is like that lol

[kawGIRL]

LIFE IS TOUGH - How do these People survive?

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.  I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.  "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.  "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you Know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" ...."Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.  "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "Cruise Control" and then went in the back to make a tuna sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.  Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to Emergency!

Life is Tough. It's Tougher if you're Stupid.

[Honda328i]

Speaks for itself......



http://www.noedesign.com/dev/KerryEdwards

[cain73]

Presidents Reagan, Bush, Clinton, and (ex) V.P Gore are all dead and standing at the river Jordan. there they are greated by an angel and told that they have to walk across to get into Heavan. they will each sink according to their sins and how they served their country. if their sins are too great they will sink and not be able to enter Heavan.
Reagan goes first. as he begins walking he also begins sinking. the water reaches no higher his upper waiste and he joyfully reaches the other side.
next Bush goes. he walks and sinks. he makes it across and gets wet to his chest.
upon reaching the other side Bush turns to see Clinton smiling, passing through the middle and only wet to his shins. maddly he yells at the angel "There's no way he should be that dry"
the angel replies "he's standing on Gore's shoulders, but don't worry, Gore can't go much longer without air and when he drowns Clinton will sink like a rock"

[Honda328i]

If we are flying the flag at half staff for 30 days for President Reagan, will we have to wear our pants around our knees for 30 days when Clinton dies?

[Honda328i]

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman, who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and
join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol, and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so
badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ, become a vegetable and a burden to someone,
she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee. . . .

[cain73]

Honda328i to answer your question about when Clinton dies
No. What we would haved to do is cheat on our wives with fat ugly women and cigars, go on national T.V. and lie about it, order a cover up that would end up costing millions of dollars, re-define simple words like "is", admit what we did and say it's no ones business, blame it all on a right wing conspiracy, write a book, and try our hardest to get our lesbian wives elected to the white house so that we could do it all again.

[Honda328i]

Todays Phunny--  

Just goes to show a mind is a terrible thing to WaStE.  

[o4250]

haha idiots

[Honda328i]

>The Ugly Bus...
>
>A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
>everyone inside dies.  They then get to meet their maker, and because
>of the grief they have experienced he decides to grant them one wish
>each, before they enter Paradise.  They're all lined up, and God asks
>the first one what their wish is.
>
>"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
>
>The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
>Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
>
>This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when
>God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.  
>When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
>laughing his head off.  Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him
>what his wish will be.
>
>The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".
>
>NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE . . . BE HAPPY!

[kawGIRL]

MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR NEXT SATURDAY.

AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.

SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOMES COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS. CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT. [smiley=Tongue.gif]

ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSES TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK IT'S OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIVES AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN. AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT.
THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

[eric]

> > >Medical Terms in Redneck Language
> > >
> > >Artery............................The study of paintings.
> > >Benign........................What you be after you be eight.
> > >Bacteria.........................Back door to cafeteria.
> > >Barium....................What doctors do when patients die.
> > >Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome.
> > >Cat Scan.......................Searching for Kitty.
> > >Cauterize.......................Made eye contact with her.
> > >Coma.............................A punctuation mark.
> > >Dilate.............................To live long.
> > >Enema............................Not a friend.
> > >Fester.............................Quicker than someone else.
> > >Fibula..............................A small lie.
> > >Hangnail.........................What you hang your coat on.
> > >Impotent..........................Distinguished, well known.
> > >Labor Pain.......................Getting hurt at work.
> > >Medical Staff.....     ..........A Doctor's cane.
> > >Morbid.............................A higher offer than I bid.
> > >Nitrates............ ...............Cheaper than day rates.
> > >Node.................................I knew it.
> > >Pelvis...............................Second cousin to Elvis.
> > >Post Operative.......   .......A letter carrier.
> > >Rectum............................Darn near killed him.
> > >Seizure.............................Roman emperor.
> > >Tablet...............................A small table.
> > >Tumor...............................More than one.
> > >Urine.................................Opposite of you! 're out
> > >Varicose............................Nearby

[RickInKy]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[budman]

Did ya hear the one about the 25 or so ATV'ers who rode in a hurricane?.............

[Moose]

Actual court case in Australia

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:


1. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but  
   notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign  
   that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I  
   grined.

2. Then she moved and sat under a sign that  
   said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and  
   I had to smile.

3. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that  
   said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could  
   hardly contain myself.

4. But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time  
   and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber  
   could have prevented this Accident." I just lost it."

[Honda328i]

The Mole Family

-- A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is....

Get ready.....

Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...

MOLASSES!

[crfrdr245]

Q. why did the blonde take a ladder to the bar?

A. b/cuz she heard the drinks were on the house  

[Honda328i]

FW: The stall

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest
stop
but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed:
"Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.

Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end
the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back.
There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps
answering all my questions!"