FUNNY JOKES !!!!

[TRX_365r]

Got this from a movie: A guy walks into a bar. Goes to the barteder and orders a drink. After, he goes to 5 men in the back corner of the bar shooting pool. Talks with them for 5 minutes and walks back to the bartender with his empty glass. He sets it on a table 15 feet away and tells the bartender" I bet ya $50 bucks i could piss in the cup from here and not miss at all, not a drop. Bartnder accepts the bet. Guy gets ready, start pissin all over the place, on the bar, on the phone and all over the bartender. Bartneder smiles and laughs a bit.  Guy says, lemme get the $$$. Goes over to the 5 guys comes back pays the man $50 and starts laughin his ass off. Bartender says, what the hell you so happy about? you just lost $50. Guy says, i just bet those 5 guys $100 a piece that a could piss all over your bar, all over your phone, all over you, and you wouldnt do anything, but infact, youd be happy.

[TRX_365r]

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."

[TRX_365r]

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem
like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance
rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try
to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up
drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the
first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor,
I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen
people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a
diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them
this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle
is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" The judge asked the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs
forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you
manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said,
'This small circle is your not a very nice person before prison....'"

[TRX_365r]

ONLY ONE MORE, UNLESS YOU GUYS WANT MORE.?

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the not a very nice person. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."

[Slow_Rider]

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?" "Senators, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"'
"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to >unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake >the $hit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the $hit out of a senator, there ain't nothin' left but an $sshole and a briefcase

[budman]

 
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers. There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Magnum330]

Subject: The owner of a golf course in Arkansas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University  and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Arkansas women
======================== =========

Arkansas Hunters
A group of Arkie rednecks went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.  

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had  a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried
the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!
========================

Regarding the year 2000, a senior at U of Ark  was overheard saying ... "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Arkansas."  When asked why, he  stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.

=======================
The young redneck came running into the store and said to his buddy,  "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young redneck answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

=======================
NEWS FLASH! - Fayetteville, ARK----- Arkansas's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Univ of Arkansas students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today near Little Rock.

Volunteer search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot  and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

=======================
An Arkansas State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-540 The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?

[o4250]

ha ha good thing this is ''ATV FLORIDA'' .com or else some people would get offended

[cain73]

This yuppie guy goes into a rough biker bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender says no way buddy you have to leave before someone decides to kick your butt or rob you. the guys says come on i just need a quick drink before I get back to work the bartender sayd O.K. but at the first sign of trouble you are out of here.
After delivering the drink the bartender notices the guy whispering into his hand with it pressed against his face. the bartender quickly says you're out of here nut. the guy explains that to save time he has had a cell phone implanted into his hand. The bartender doesn't believe it until hte guy lets him make a call right there on his hand.
a little later the guy goes to the bathroom and when he doesn't come out after a few minutes the bartender gets worried and goes in to check on him.
upon walking into the mens room the bartender sees the guy bent over with his hands on the counter and a roll of toilet paper stuck up his rear end. the bartender apologetically says I'm sorry I should have kept a closer eye on you, did you at least see who did this to you so we can call the cops?  
The guy says you don't understand nobody jumped me I'm just about to receive a fax.

[cain73]

How do you get a nun pregnant ?
dress her like an alter boy.

[cain73]

five men training to become priests are in the last phase of testing.
The final test is to see if your heart is truely pure and to see if you can resist temptation mentally as well as physically.
The five men are stood facing forward while naked. the training priest ties a bell to each of their p#nis#s and explains that they can only pass if they are truely able to disregard temptation since the bell will tell all.
then several beautiful women are paraded past them. blondes , brunettes, red heads, white, black, latin, women of all shapes and sizes to make sure they strike the fancy of all men.
after a few women go past a bell goes off as it is lifted by an excited man's p#nis.  he is promply dismissed and informed that he has failed and will not be a priest.
a few more women and another bell goes off. he too is told to leave.
the priest stands there with a watchful eye on the remaining three while the rest of the women pass. as he is about to congradulate them he drops his pen.
as he bends down to get it the remaining three bells sound off. he raises up with a smile and welcomes them to the priesthood.

[BlackBeast]

Check out this one:
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/bubbrubb.wmv

I got two words for y'all....

"Woo - Woooooo!!!!"  

[cain73]

yes I did laugh at the idiots "woo- woooing" but this is just another example of the few trampling on the rights of the many. People now days don't have the notion of common decency or an idea of what respect is and if you do research there is one common factor to  most of it. If I were that woman complaining I would buy one for my car and drive non stop through the upscale neighborhoods where the city councilmen live and see how quickly the law gets modified.  

[sickmojave]

ha ha good thing this is ''ATV FLORIDA'' .com or else some people would get offended

I think most of them jokes are true. LOL

true story
we had an old man that was pissed off about his $15. water bill. so he gets on his riding mower and goes down to city hall and shots the mayor. he was arrested 30 minutes later at a gas station refueling his mower.

[CrowdPleaser]

A bear and a rabbit stumble upon a genie lamp, rub it , and the genie pops out. They get the usual three wish deal.

The bear wishes for a twelve inch d***.
The rabbit wants a motorcycle helmet.
Bear wishes that all of the bears in the world be female.
the rabbit wishes for a really fast mortorcycle.
Bear wishes that all of those female bears fall madly in love with him ....and to his every command.
The rabbit wishes that the bear is gay.

.....sucks for the bear

[cain73]

asphaltdragon      I agree that was puching the limit and questioned posting it. I apologize if it offended anyone. I will use better discression in the future.

[DjLeOo]

>As I Mature I've learned that you cannot make
>someone love you. All you can do is
>stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
>
>I've learned that no matter how much I care,
>some people are just assholes.
>
>I've learned that it takes years
>to build up trust, and it only takes
>suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
>
>I've learned that you can get by
>on charm for about fifteen minutes.
>After that, you'd better have a big willy
>or huge boobs.
>
>I've learned that you shouldn't
>compare yourself to others - they are
>more screwed up than you think.
>
>I've learned that you can keep vomiting
>long after you think you're finished.
>
>I've learned that we are responsible
>for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
>
>I've learned that regardless of
>how hot and steamy a relationship is at
>first, the passion fades, and there had better
>be a lot of money to take its place!
>
>I've learned that 99% of the time when
>something isn't working in your house, one
>of your kids did it
>
>I've learned that the people you care most
>about in life are taken from you too soon
>and all the less important ones just never go away.

[BigDrap660]

Conno Leo, eso ta emocional. Looks like u need a hug dog!!! Or maybe a hit of that chiba!

[DjLeOo]

i think the CHIBAAAAAAA !!!!
======== ~~~~~

[Magnum330]

A bear and a rabbit was out in the woods taking a poop the bear looked over at the rabbit and ask him. Does that poop stick to your fur? The rabbit said heck no. So the bear reaches over and grabs the rabbit and used him to wipe his behind. [smiley=Smile.gif]

[Magnum330]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say,
at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish  the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident  he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said  to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer
ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown
into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting,
real bad and didn't want to  move. However, I could hear ole Bessie
moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her
groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked  at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the
eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand,
looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the heck would you say?"

[DjLeOo]

I got some crazy pictures !!!! Funny thow but if its too much for this site let me know and ill take it out !!!!!! No offend to anyone !!!

Rated XXX



Pictures of nature !!

[SlyDawg]

 
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle.... "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .....

(GET READY FOR THIS......)






"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[cain73]

Two guys are drinking a couple of beers in a garage after riding their atv's. while they talk about their quads and women (what else is there to talk about?) one guy looks over upon hearing a slurping noise from the corner. There he sees his friend's pit bull licking his nuts and appearing to be enjoying himself. The guy says to the dogs owner "I'm jealous, I wish I could do that". The dogs owner says "well you can try, but he might bite you".

[kawGIRL]

REDNECK ICE FISHING IN MICHIGAN

A True report of an incident in Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for $42,500 and has $560 Monthly payments.  He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen.  These two guys go out on the lake with their Guns, a dog, and of course the new Vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.  Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to Float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more Effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.  Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator truck), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting Blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of Paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING.  Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.  The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.  The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.  One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.

The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.  The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on.  Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck.

The men continue to yell as they run.  The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.

Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED.  He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!

And you thought your day was not going well??